……im still here

Since my last post, I have stood in the shower, went to bed and have woken up day after day with so many thoughts in my head. So many ideas for my next at least 10 blog posts but, the day gets away from me and  Its hard to find time to sit on my computer and just type without being “Mom’d”…. so I put it away for another day.  I know that most of the people who know me would say, “don’t be too hard on yourself, you are a busy woman” but, if I want this to be a great blog, I need to set some ‘me time’ and type.  I have very few things that I do that don’t involve the kids so, I apologize for the lack of posts and I am here to say, “I’m back on the horse”.  You may know my history and what my life was like before today but, for all of those who don’t, here goes……

My senior year of high school was where I finally figured out what I was going to do after graduation.  I wasn’t given the “go anywhere you want for college” speech nor did we really talk about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  We didn’t have the money or the credit for my parents to send me to college and I knew that. I had friends who had been looking at schools for an entire year and I was scrambling the last few months of my senior year to figure out how I could get out on my own without asking my parents for money.  I briefly looked at the Air Force for a solution and one of my friends Rob, who would later become my finance, now, hubby and baby daddy, took me to the Navy recruiter and I signed a contract to be a Hospital Corpsman very quickly after that meeting.  I had to wait 12 months for a spot and during that 12 months I drank wayyy too much and fought with my mom on a regular basis.  Rob had left for boot camp, graduated, went to 2 schools and was about to go on his first deployment when I hoped in the car with the recruiter and headed to Ft. Dix to start my journey.  Looking back now, I loved boot camp but, at the time I know I wished I was doing something else or wondering if I was making the right decision.  I graduated and headed right across the street to Corps school.  I loved school.  I loved being on my own and I loved having my own money.  Rob surprised me when he came home from deployment while I was at school and I still remember every second of him being spotted by my friend Melissa who was standing watch. I graduated a month early and got orders close to Rob.   

Ill fast forward some details because there is no way I am going to go through every single duty station and memory but, Portsmouth, Camp Lejeune, Parris Island and Portsmouth (again) was were I spent my active duty and reserve time (July 2004-July 2014).  I decided to leave active duty in 2011 and went to nursing school.  I loved clinicals!  School was never my strong suite but, I lived for clinical rotations.  I graduated in May of 2014 a few months after Rob got commissioned.  We moved to northern VA and that is where I started my gut-wrenching cycle of studying and failing my boards.  I’ve taken that test 6 times. If you have ever taken a test like that, each of the those times equaled months of studying. Leaving my kids alone to play for hours so that I could go over my textbooks and Kaplan’s testing strategies. Hundreds of dollars spent and many many hours of actual test taking, only to feel completely defeated with a non pass result.  I felt like a failure each time and questioned my decision to get out of the Navy. We had 3 more children and I prayed every day about what I was supposed to be doing with my life.  I felt like I needed a job.  I wasn’t bringing in money and to me it meant I wasn’t contributing.  Rob and I had many conversations and there were times where I felt like we were on completely different pages.  I had a hard time expressing how I felt but I think I knew deep down that being a stay at home mom was what God had planned for me but, I refused to accept it.   We lived paycheck to pay check with credit card balances that made me feel like we were drowning and to me, it was my fault.  I can’t remember the exact date, probably right before Rob deployed out of North Carolina (2017) where I felt like I was officially a stay at home mom.  I felt accepted, I didn’t feel pressure to get a job and I felt like Rob and I were on the same page.   I could finally put my mind at ease and just do what God intended which was take care of the home and babies.

I have never had a more rewarding career then being a stay at home mom.  I am blessed to be able to do this, visit school for parties, conferences and so much more.  After schools closed in March, I again was reminded that at home was where I was supposed to be.  I am not sure if we will ever experience a quarantine again so I tried to make the most of it.  Of course, there have been days that I wanted to rip my hair out and go back to bed but, the good far outweighed the bad.  I am excited to be on this wonderful journey and I love being a stay at home mom! Moms, Dads, parental figures, If you are having a hard time; you can do this, I am cheering for you! Kids grow by the second and this time right now will never come back around.

Love, 

Ce